Well, after everything that has happened over the past few months, add to that work and other issues and struggles we have decided to go back home. We feel that this is the best thing for us and we have made our peace with the decision. The house is up for sale and we have buyers. We will see how this all goes, but the hope is for us to be home the last week in May. Until then, prayers are all we ask for.
The past twenty four hours have been interesting to say the least. No explanation is needed for those who understand, but after everything is said and done it has left me with a rather interesting sense of clarity. This clarity has enveloped several different aspects of my life. Below I shall endeavor to explain things as well as I can..
- Here/There: The more I look at the different facets of this situation I realize that this is the right decision to make. Nothing more needs to be said here other than the clarity I have not this topic is a lot clearer after the events that occurred.
- Us: I had a realization today that there is a rather specific reason that wet ave gone through “rollercoasters” overt the past 10 years. The fact of the matter is that over that period of time I personally have gone through stages where I tried very much, fought for much, attempted to make things better, and then there were times where I lost hope and struggled with the idea of whether or not we could make things work with all of the dysfunction we seemed to have.
After everything that has happened ver the past six months it has become abundantly clear to me that this is where we were meant to be. No matter the troubles or the struggles, the end result has always been the same. Call it destiny or fate, of the idea that we “match”, no matter our struggles and our fallings and failings here we are. Add to that the sense of clarity and “acceptance” of all of this last night. We have talked about this all before, but I think after the events that occurred it just sort of cemented it in my head.
We are in a place now where we have come through all of the storms and we can see the sunrise and the sunset and be at peace with past and present while planning and preparing for the future. The fact of the matter is that everything we do has to be a choice. The realization I came to is that theosis and marriage require the same struggle and purposeful work. It is a choice every day. Look for the good, look for the positive, make changes and make the effort for things to be and look like what you want. We have done this at times, but we always manage to stop doing it for some reason. We get comfortable and we think that there is no more reason to try or to work. The truth of the matter is that we need to make it a daily thing.
We said we wanted to do night prayers and make it a part of our daily life. It has taken us a long time to actually make the effort consistently to do this and to add it to our already hectic lives, but it has been a great growth for us to do this. Our marriage as a whole is the same thing. We need to start small. Find something we want to try and change. Something small. Something we can add in and schedule. A weekly date night where we have a babysitter planned rather than last-minute looking for someone. Decide we want to go to a munch or a slosh on a monthly basis and actually do it. After that we can add other things. One thing, one event, one change at a time to strengthen the work we have started. I like where we are and I do not want this to be a honeymoon phase type of thing where we are good for a month or a few and then t all sort of disintegrates because we do not make the consistent, constant effort. A lot of this is going to take consistent, constant communication on both of our parts to understand the wants and needs of the other person, but with the other aspects of our relationship that we have recently added we should be doing that anyways. I want stability and roots and consistency and structure, and i think that through everything, through the last almost 10 years, in all that time, this is the best time for this to happen and I look forward to the future we have started to create. I think once we are home again we will finally have things in a place where we can learn and grow and have things better than we could have ever thought possible.
- Everything Else: Last night was nuts. That all there is to that. Holy hell. However, in the end I am glad for the clarity.
The last few months.. alright, the last few years, have been a rollercoaster of good and bad, positive and negative, joy and sadness. Through all of this junk I’ve wondered if we made the right decision two years ago. In the beginning there was nothing anyone could say to me that could ever prove to me that he decision we made to move here was not the right one. People tried, believe me, but i was convinced that thesis where we were meant to be and thats all there was to it. And the truth of the matter is, for all I know this is exactly where we needed to be for the time we we re here, but the truth of the matter is that that time is over and we need to realize that the hopes and dreams that we had for this place are no longer viable and it is time to move forward and move on.
It’s been two years since we left AZ and i swore I would never return to the desert. Maybe there is a reason i never deleted this blog. I promised anyone who said that we would be back that there was no way in hell that i was going to live in AZ again, that I had come and gone one too many times and that we were done with this state and everything we had been through here. Maybe there is a reason that i never changed any of the subpages of this blog when we moved. Because the truth of the matter is i realize now that the place i swore we would never return to, the place i thought I hated and loathed so much is exactly the place where we need to be for many reasons.
If you read the last few blog posts here you will see the pattern emerging and as much as i want to say that they were situational and that they are not endemic of a pattern of repeated behavior at the hands of my bosses and coworkers i would be lying to myself. I’ve watched things occur repeatedly and after so many times and so many situation where you can see the pattern, recognize it before it happens and call the results you are only able to be acutely aware that this entire enterprise has a shelf life and its time for ou to make choices for the rest of your family and ensure their safety and security as being more important than anything else.
That’s where we are now. I could go into more detail regarding the last 6 months and all the nasty, dirty struggles we have been through as a family, but in the end it is all over and we were saved (yet again), by the prayers and support of so many people, most of whom, if not all, reside in that place i said we would never go back to. After all of this we realized that these people, this place, the desert, is exactly where we need to be and so we have begin making provisions and plans for a transition back to AZ at the end of the school year in June. Thesis the only place I have written anything, but i felt it was a safe place to write this down seeing as how no-one ever reads this blog. There are other things, as i have said that i could share, and maybe i will, but for now this is where things stand and i will keep this journey’s events updated as i feel they need to be.
In the end all i/we ask for are prayers. They’ve helped more than anyone knows.
Another school year is a month away. Along with that comes a whole host of new opportunities and options. One of these opportunities are a chance to finish things that I started a long time ago. I am very excited at what this means for myself as well as my family and their future.
Anyone who knows me knows I operate in a very logical manner and am always “planning.” This is how we got the house well lived in in Arizona, this is how we found the job in Oregon and got things rolling here as well. It’s just the way that I work. This new opportunity I have found myself in is no different. This opportunity opens a whole host of new doors for us and I plan to take full advantage of them when the time is right.
I am being purposely vague in this post because a very few select people even know what I am talking about and there are reasons for that. At the same time, I need a place where I can write things out and let them sit and stay. As things progress I will add more to explain and explore the possibilities. Be patient.
Summer vacation is supposed to be a time of rest and relaxation for teachers.. or at least that’s what people THINK. The truth of the matter is that you are always working, always planning, always looking forward to the next “first day of school… Even though I am not working this summer for the first time since I started teaching this year is no different… except that it is 100 million times more stressful.
Remember the last post? Yeah, me too. And for a short time I thought things were getting better, and then they weren’t.. and then they were again, and now we are back at weren’t. Granted, I will say this outright and up front, the issues I had with my last job, these are polar opposites. Where my last job was an existence in a micro-managed and totalitarian routine of daily bureaucracy and politics, this is just straight up passive aggressiveness, mismanagement (OK, so that parts kinda the same…), and a place where friendships and personal feelings run the show. I can not exist in an environment such as this.
One day I am told that my bosses are going to do one thing and the next week they are not sure if they can or will because they do not know if they are legally allowed to do it, or if it will affect someone else’s feelings, finances, or friendships.. I wonder sometimes how this has managed to go on for so long and not implode..
But then there is the other part of things where my bosses have brought me in to add structure and transparency, and support, and a base curriculum… so I have done that… but no one knows how to run it. They *think* they do, they SAY they can, but the truth of the matter is when you are working with and for people who have little to no ACTUAL experience teaching authentic Montessori what the hell are we doing here?
So I do all of this work to make things more workable in so many areas… and then that’s it. No one asks for help, no one asks HOW this is supposed to work.. we even have people who have decided that EVEN THOUGH I have created a curriculum that is guaranteed to work, they are just going to do their own thing with no regard for anyone or anything.
The best part is: Remember the “passive aggressive” thing from before? Well, when people do their own thing there is NO ONE to call them to the carpet because people have created an environment of fear rather than one of support and positivity. What the hell man!
So, even though I was TOLD several times that things are going to go in a direction that guarantees stability and progression, authentic Montessori, cohesion and administrative functionality.. things are back up in the air because we d not want to affect people’s finances, friendships, or whatever else they can toss into the mix to affect the decision in their favour. What no one (well, with rare exception of two), seems to understand or want to see is that this is not about the teachers, this is not about the high school attitudes, the drama, and the pettiness, in the end the ones it has the most negative affect on is the students and in the end this affects how we are best able to educate children. This is what kills me. When do we stop and think about them? What’s best for them? Do we even care? And if we do not, then what the hell are we doing with our time, effort, money and lives? (This is the point where I just want to scream…, so I do that in my head, and then there’s this gem of a thought:
For all my issues I have/had with my last job thesis what matters: they gave me a foundation, a useable, workable, PROVEN successful foundation on how to educate towards growth and results. I just feel as if that is just not understood, valued, appreciated, understood.. I don’t know. My boss’s favourite phrase “Nothing is set in stone.” got tossed out again today in a conversation regarding next year.. Really? Because as far as I was concerned, I’ve been waiting for 2 months for things to be “set in stone”. I had NO REASON, other than the repeat knowledge of people’s inability to follow through on what they themselves have said is the best thing to do for students and school, to think that things were not progressing in this direction.
And then add this ti the mix:
On the more personal side of things it worries me that if these changes are not enacted it is going to affect T in the long run. She is not being challenged. She is being taught that drawing ponies, (as cool as her drawing are I grant you), are more beneficial than learning basic mathematics. I could write another entire blog post in the inadequacies (as I see them from my experience) of the “end result of what MY kid is getting). I KNOW I can give her what she needs. My bosses have SAID in no uncertain terms that the thing that is lacking in the LE program is academics.. HELLO!? I can fix that. This is not about me, although that is the way it must seem at this point. I see it like this: I have tools. Proven effective tools. A foundation that holds true and allows for growth and a love of learning. I WANT to be able to GIVE that to the kids in this program, but neither of the current lead teachers are prepared nor are they equipped to do this the right way. As far as I am concerned they don’t WANT to because it is a lot of change and a lot of work.
Change is the big issue here. It is a HUGE struggle and roadblock for this school. Staff, administration.. the only people who seem on board with it are the parents, and they have NO IDEA what it even looks like, they just know they want it. Well, that’s not true, my students going into 4th grade and THEIR parents know what it looks like and that was another fear voiced about my moving: “What about those kids and those parents?”
For me the choice is simple. I gave them the same thing I’d give the new students. They now have that as a growth point. If I can set this as the foundation for the 1st thru 3rd graders across the board then we can keep the growth going. Right now there are parents wanting to run for the hills because plays and ponies are just not cutting it.. and I don’t blame them. However, we can build on this, we just have to start somewhere.
My boss is supposed to call me at some point. Could be tomorrow, could be August, who knows. When he does I’ll know more. I just do not know what things look like long term. I want stick it out and SAY that I took this job knowing what I was getting into and that I was willing to take this on.. but the support I thought I had in this is gone. I have what I believe to be a better, stronger, more focused support, but with all of the behind the scenes conversations (because no one wants to take responsibility and be the adult here and say THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING!”) The whole ordeal is just draining me of energy.
All I can do is take things one day at a time and see what the end result is… but at this point I do not know how much faith I have in that result being actual results..
It’s sad and depressing when you make a huge life decision based off of information you are given by others and then less than a year later the bottle is uncorked and everything you thought is no longer.
The feelings you are left with are hurt, betrayal, anger, disappointment, frustration, and in the end the last thing you want to think about is: “What the hell do I do now?” Even more difficult than all of that is when the answer you get in return is: Nothing.
In the end i feel as if the only option I have left is to deal with it, suck it up, accept it for what it is and live each day knowing that the people you thought were on your side are just weak and not willing to go the distance to say what they mean and do what they say. There are the myriad of beautiful speeches extolling their vision and the things they want to see and do, but in the end the are not willing to take the struggle on and be true to that vision. The easy way seems to be the only way and the strength you thought existed in this person is just a front for the fear that holds them back from their true potential.
The weak will never inherit the earth (that’s meek..) and in the end they will only support the things that allow them to continue to live in their safe and comfy illusions.
I get the fact that change is difficult. I’ve been there. held fast by fear and the ‘what if’ of a situation, but in the end what is life, if it is not change and growth? Maybe the truth of the fact is that some of us are stronger than others and our experiences in life allow us to accept change and see the benefits without being paralyzed by the fear that others see as all-consuming.
There is no answer to find, no solution to divine from all of this. In the end all I can do is walk forward and see what happens. In the end I have made it this far and giving up is never a real option. I am just faced with the repercussions of others and trying not to change the way I treat them regardless of their choices. I do what I do because I love it and it is a part of who I am. If others do not see this the same way then this is their issue to deal with. There is only so much I can do for them.
Not that that makes it any easier.
Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”
It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.
And I got angry.
Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”
Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)
If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.
Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting:
I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.
I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.
I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.
I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.
I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.
I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.
I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.
In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:
Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.
Your eternally interested guy,