For some, this may seem like a weird title for a blog, but give me some time and maybe I can adequately explain the thoughts in my head. This might get a little bumpy. In the last few weeks I have felt very.. off. There is a lot going on, a lot of chafe to prepare for, and in all of this there are all the other things, the day-to-day things that I also have to try to keep a handle on.
Work is what it is, and although I love my job, there are times I just want to scream. My classes are a very similar deal. If I found out tomorrow that I did not need my degree I would drop the whole mess, call my loan servicer, and get on a payment plan and be done with it all (in 40 years when I pay of my $45k in loans that will only grow as I come closer to graduating. Amidst all of this I feel like I am choking.
Then there are the things I love. I love the Services, and choir. I recently returned to choir after an 8 week hiatus due to the Algebra class I was taking, and subsequently passed with an 86%. I have been able to assist in the Hours the past two Sundays, this week with Reader Basil, and that was a great joy for me. I love being in the Kliros and chanting the prayers, hymns, and Psalms of the morning. Since returning from Oregon the family has started to recite evening prayers together. I love this aspect of my life and wish I HAD more time to devote to it. I think back to my baptism 10 years ago, almost 11 now, and I remember all of the time I was able to devote to prayer and study, and how, since then I have declined rapidly in all things, all aspects of personal prayer and spiritual education. I know my soul longs for it, I just do not know how to feed myself in the midst of everything else going on.
Well, I guess that is not entirely all true. I do know, but I fight against it..
I tell myself that if I want to do these things, then other things must pull back. Karaoke. I love it, but it does take an entire evening, and as much as I love it, is it really profitable in the scheme of eternity? Is the time away from my wife and family worth it? Is it what they need? Is it really what I need? I also need to reevaluate mtg friends and the circle that I keep. Are they beneficial, and do they support the things I need versus the things I want. Many of my friends revolve around the sphere of my love of karaoke, but in there long run is that a good thing? Are they supporting me in my journey of faith and my spiritual battle or are they holding me back from the struggles that I need to face? The truth is these are things I have thought about for a long time, but I was not at a place where I was willing to take a long hard look at the situation and at the same time, take the steps necessary to do something about it all. I think that time has come.
When I was baptized almost 11 years ago, I was a different person. My priorities were different. My situation was different, but in truth, I NEED to be that person again. I do yearn for it, but I need support. I need to replace my karaoke circle with a stronger Church circle. My “guide and my familiar friend, a man of like soul” and I have not seen each other since I left Colorado all those years ago, and I do not know if he really ever knew how much of a friend and support I saw him as. I still do. We had our struggles and there was a time when we did “pass like ships in the night”.. but now the only thing keeping us at that distance is self-centered arrogance. Many things have changed, we both have changed each in different ways, but I need to put myself back together and I can not think of another person better suited for the job.
When I submerged myself all those years ago, it was an experience I will never forget, and the experience is one that holds its own story. The point I am trying to make here is that I wish there was a way to get back to that place, that feeling, that cleansing.. I want to.. no, I need to find a way to dedicate all of my time to spiritual efforts. A podvig. There is a lot more to this, but if I write that all out it will be another day, and it will probably not be public. I just needed a way to write out the feelings, emotions, struggles, questions, and answers that have been floating around in my head for the past few weeks and hopefully through all of this I can now start coming to a place where I can find answers and a clear path.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.