A Double Dab of Clarity

5 February 16

The past twenty four hours have been interesting to say the least. No explanation is needed for those who understand, but after everything is said and done it has left me with a rather interesting sense of clarity. This clarity has enveloped several different aspects of my life. Below I shall endeavor to explain things as well as I can..

  1. Here/There: The more I look at the different facets of this situation I realize that this is  the right decision to make. Nothing more needs to be said here other than the clarity I have not this topic is a lot clearer after the events that occurred.
  2. Us: I had a realization today that there is a rather specific reason that wet ave gone through “rollercoasters” overt the past 10 years. The fact of the matter is that over that period of time I personally have gone through stages where I tried very much, fought for much, attempted to make things better, and then there were times where I lost hope and struggled with the idea of whether or not we could make things work with all of the dysfunction we seemed to have.

    After everything that has happened ver the past six months it has become abundantly clear to me that this is where we were meant to be. No matter the troubles or the struggles, the end result has always been the same. Call it destiny or fate, of the idea that we “match”, no matter our struggles and our fallings and failings here we are. Add to that the sense of clarity and “acceptance” of all of this last night. We have talked about this all before, but I think after the events that occurred it just sort of cemented it in my head.

    We are in a place now where we have come through all of the storms and we can see the sunrise and the sunset and be at peace with past and present while planning and preparing for the future. The fact of the matter is that everything we do has to be a choice. The realization I came to is that theosis and marriage require the same struggle and purposeful work. It is a choice every day. Look for the good, look for the positive, make changes and make the effort for things to be and look like what you want. We have done this at times, but we always manage to stop doing it for some reason. We get comfortable and we think that there is no more reason to try or to work. The truth of the matter is that we need to make it a daily thing.

    We said we wanted to do night prayers and make it a part of our daily life. It has taken us a long time to actually make the effort consistently to do this and to add it to our already hectic lives, but it has been a great growth for us to do this. Our marriage as a whole is the same thing. We need to start small. Find something we want to try and change. Something small. Something we can add in and schedule. A weekly date night where we have a babysitter planned rather than last-minute looking for someone. Decide we want to go to a munch or a slosh on a monthly basis and actually do it. After that we can add other things. One thing, one event, one change at a time to strengthen the work we have started. I like where we are and I do not want this to be a honeymoon phase type of thing where we are good for a month or a few and then t all sort of disintegrates because we do not make the consistent, constant effort. A lot of this is going to take consistent, constant communication on both of our parts to understand the wants and needs of the other person, but with the other aspects of our relationship that we have recently added we should be doing that anyways. I want stability and roots and consistency and structure, and i think that through everything, through the last almost 10 years, in all that time, this is the best time for this to happen and I look forward to the future we have started to create. I think once we are home again we will finally have things in a place where we can learn and grow and have things better than we could have ever thought possible.

  3. Everything Else: Last night was nuts. That all there is to that. Holy hell. However, in the end I am glad for the clarity.
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Writing vs. Writing

25 April 13

Many times over the years I have wondered if I could pull it off. I have let the idea slide around in my head, place it gently in the corners of my mind until a later time when I revisit the idea and then give it a break for a while. I wonder if there is a need, and there is a part of me that feels like, in some little way, I could place something in the void, not to fill it per se, but to add something of content to the seeming emptiness.

Tonight was another of those nights where I stopped and, yet again, questioned my merit, my ability, my worthiness. I wonder if my pride is what pushes me forward, or if this feeling I would just as soon call vanity, is an actual ability to do anything of value.

I guess only time will tell. Well, that and a chat with my spiritual father, Dear July, I am waiting for you as patiently as I can. Thanks. Me


Lent 2013: Coming to a Close

24 April 13

Well, it looks like there is a Light at the end of the tunnel. It seems to me that this year has been an exceptionally rough Fast. We attempted to follow through on the Fast this year and it was rather difficult. The Feast of the Annunciation (March 25th) as well as Palm Sunday (April 28th) were the two Fish Days during the Fast and these days taught me something.

I LIKE FISH.

We went to Rula Bula, an Irish pub, for the Feast of the Annunciation this year, and the food, as well as the fellowship was amazing. A small group of us attended Vespers the evening of the 24th, and because sunset had occurred by the end of the service it was, liturgically, the next day, so we all went to dinner together. We plan on doing the same thing this coming Saturday for the Feast of Palm Sunday.

Two weeks ago we met our new priest, Father Andre. He and his family came to visit us for the weekend and served a few services with us. Friday night we had an Akathist to the Theotokos, and he served that with us. There is so much that I could say about him and our time with him, but much of it is personal, and I do not want thoughts of this nature floating on the internet, even though they may be very good and positive, they are very special to me. He will be joining us officially in July after he graduates Seminary and takes some well deserved and needed rest during the month of June. It will be a great blessing to have a priest with us full-time serving and tending for the spiritual needs of the parish,

I finish the current set of coursework next week. Yes, for those of you playing the home game that IS Holy Week and with the current docket of 13 services from Holy Monday until Pascha this is going to be one heck of a week, but worth it in the end. I then begin the next trio of classes that run another 8 weeks. With each 8 weeks I am that much closer to me degree.

I signed off of Facebook on Forgiveness Sunday (March 17), and although it was a bit difficult the first week, it has become easier over time. I know that SHOULD have given me loads of time to write here, but with everything else going on I have cut down on internet a bit all around which has been good for me overall. I have debated leaving Facebook altogether, but I am not sure if I will do that either. It is interesting how invested we become with social media. I have photos and links to thinks, notes I have written and those that have been shared with me, and I do not want to get rid of those completely, so we will see what the final result is.

Well, here we go into the last stretch of Lent.

Behold, the Bridegroom cometh at midnight, and blessed is that servant whom He shall find watching; but unworthy is he whom He shall find heedless. Beware, therefore, O my soul, lest thou be weighed down with sleep; lest thou be given up to death, and be shut out from the kingdom. But rouse thyself and cry: Holy, Holy, Holy art Thou, O God, through the Theotokos have mercy on us.


Back Again

16 October 12

Well, that started out well. I blogged for almost an entire week without fail, then life got crazy. In the last week things have been a rollercoaster. We had family in town fr the week and that did not leave a lot of time for blogging, last week was the week before Fall (Autumn!) Break and so there was a lot fo work to do.

I also applied, was accepted, and have begun classes through Ottawa University. I am back in college and this time there will be stopping until this dan degree is completed. As much as I do not want to do it, I am realising that there really is no choice in the matter and no matter how I look at the situation this is something that I MUST finish.

Here we go again!

I also need to get more work done on the Life of Saint John. Been a while since I have worked on that, maybe a it more today.


Painting the Nut House

6 October 12

Well, we did it. We panted the kitchen. In 31 years I have lived in approx. 16 apartments, 1 condo, a trailer in the middle of nowhere God-forsaken NM.. and finally I live somewhere where the walls are not all white and sterile.

We went with a butter cream yellow for the walls, a tea light yellow for the lintel and jambs. In the final image you can see the variations of colours.

South wall of the kitchen with doorway into the "Parlour Room"

South wall of the kitchen with doorway into the “Parlour Room”

North facing view of the kitchen looking into the den

North-facing view looking into the den

We wil be covering the white spaces.

We wil be covering the white spaces.

We are probably going to work on the parlour room next with some shade of green, althugh we have not decided on a final colour. These yelow shades were acquired through Freecycle. Someone had no use for them. Thank you someone. We took care of the entire kitchen with about a pint of each of the two colours. Not bad if I do say so myself. More pictures to follow as soon as there is more painting excitedness.


Daring Greatly

7 September 12

A friend and coworker of mine sent me a random IM via Facebook the other day because she wanted to share with me something that she had found. It was a site called “Daring Greatly” and the specific page she linked to had the following image:

This image resonated with me and apparently today, in honor of “back to school” (apparently, this blog is “East Coast” because we started almost a month ago now..) the blogger was offering an 8×10 pdf of the above mentioned image. Well, I got a copy of it, and I am ging ot mail it to my boss and see if she wants to join me in laminating this print and adding it to my classroom, aswell as others.


Still Here

20 February 12

Apparently someone ( I now know who you are!) in FRESNO, CA commented on my last post on this blog and said that they were surprised that the last post I made was 6 months ago and I have not posted since. Things have been interesting,

I have begun my training for my MONTESSORI degree, I bought a home in PHOENIX, AZ and have been busy with real estate agents, lenders, insurance and a boat load of paperwork. The MISSION we attend has fond and purchased a new property where we can worship, needless to say there has not been a lot of time for posting on here, not to mention I do a lot of short postings on Facebook before I even think of posting here.

I will try and post here, maybe I will post more ABOUT Lent, rather than taking the time off.. We shall see.